KASS-TASTIC

Vancouver’s 3-2 shootout win over Calgary Wednesday night was big for a number of reasons. It was the Canucks first win of the season. It was the end of a three-game homestand with a three-game road trip upcoming #momentum. And it was Zack Kassian’s coming out party.

KASS-TASTIC was the best headline I could come up with for Canucks.com post-game and even then, ZACK ATTACK came to mind and I just rolled with that. How lame, I know. Not since Saved By The Bell was on has the name Zack and word attack been so overused. AND IT’S ONLY THE THIRD GAME OF THE SEASON!

Fast-forward to me getting home Wednesday night. Trade the suit for sweatpants, microwave some leftovers and grab a drink. That drink, because of he who shall be named in a bit, ended up on my lap.

When I checked NHL.com’s coverage of the Canucks game, the above headline is what I found. STRAIGHT KASS HOMIE. I read it once in confusion, twice in bewilderment, then took a sip and lost it! STRAIGHT KASS HOMIE - LIKE STRAIGHT CASH HOMIE, ONE OF THE GREATEST SPORTS QUOTES OF ALL TIME FROM NONE OTHER THAN MY MAN RANDY MOSS!

I emailed the NHL to give them props on the headline and was told it was the genius work of one Davis Harper, who I now consider a close, personal friend.

Writing headlines is incredibly difficult and Davis Harper pulled this off after 1 a.m. Eastern Time in New York. That’s today now, but it was tomorrow yesterday - the future. Whether you admire the headline as much as I do or not, rise from your seat, be it at your desk, the kitchen table or on the skytrain, and join me in as low clap.

Here’s to you Mr. Davis Harper.

Oh and good luck in the Super Bowl my Straight Cash Homie Randy Moss!

— Vancouver forward Zack Kassian, on the passion of Canucks fans heading into the 2012 NHL Playoffs.

Find Zack. Win stuff.

I finally unpacked my work bag from Vancouver’s recent road trip and I discovered a 2012 Northwest Division Champions hat and shirt I was given from the Canucks media relations staff, to give to you.

Winning is easy. Find Zack Kassian somewhere on Canucks.com, click his photo and enter the form to win. You’re in search of the above photo of Kassian, just without the remarkably tacky clip art.

Look here, look there, look everywhere on Canucks.com and once you find Kassian, fill in the form and cross your fingers. We don’t recommend holding your breath, we want you to believe in blue, not turn blue.

Randomly drawn winner will be announced Thursday morning.

Good luck!

UPDATE: Some of you have found a picture of Zack Kassian, maybe even the one above, but not the correct one – did I forget to mention there might be a couple of them? My bad. Keep looking. I assure you the link works and the form is fine. There are 30 entries already…happy hunting!

WE HAVE A WINNER! Congratulations to Julie Holden, the randomly drawn winner of the Northwest Division championship gear! Julie was one of 200 people who found Zack Kassian on Canucks.com’s podcast page. The contest is now over, so Kassian is gone, but here’s a photo proving he was there.

Busted

Zack Kassian is a big boy, he’s easily 6-foot-3 and 230 pounds. He needs protection like I need puns.

Saturday night was my coming out party though, as those watching CBC’s After Hours, with guests Kassian and Kevin Bieksa, caught a glimpse of me in the shadows. Jeff Vinnick even captured a rare photo.

If you look up Jory in the dictionary, it isn’t there. It’s because I’m stealth like that and had it removed. Like a ninja. But as you can see from the above photo, I was waiting in the wings should Scott Oake or Kevin Weekes try any funny business with the Canucks newcomer.

At first I thought Weekes’ suit (we can all agree it’s from his Urkel collected – Steve Urkel, not his cool alter ego Stefan Urquelle), might pose a problem. I ran it through various security check points and all was well. Then it was Oake’s line of questioning about figure skating that nearly had nun-chucks flying; Kassian gave me the sign everything was okay, so I let him be.

Know this: If you mess with one of the Canucks on the ice, Kassian will be there in flash. If you mess with Kassian off the ice and he gives me the secret signal or says the top secret code word and I’m available and I’m in blue (MIB = Man In Blue), I’ll be there. And it’ll be too late. Or something. And yes, I have a memory eraser. I just used it on you, in fact.

Please return to the top of story and read through it again so you know what we’re talking about.

#DJMIBout